At the moment I’m reading a book about people pleasing. Very interesting as many people, including myself, have troubles with uncomfortable feelings such as anger and criticism from other persons, but also to be in conflict or disagreement with another person.
Avoiding conflict and disagreement out of fear for feelings of abandonment, rejection, and criticism is not helping you in any way. You might be the ‘nice ‘person, but by avoiding the conflict with others an inner conflict continues as we are not true to ourselves.
Harriet B. Braiker says: The disease to please creates a psychological blockade against both sending and receiving negative emotions.
By avoiding conflict and disagreement we block our ability to tell others what is making us unhappy, angry, upset or disappointed which is sometimes necessary to change a situation to a more healthy one. And we do not learn to stand our ground in a conflict. We need both to be able to take good care of ourselves in life.
With a chronic energy issue, this is an important subject as we are very sensitive to the feelings of others, quickly touched by what other people think and say (reactive), and are challenged to go with the flow of our energy …. every time, all the time.
I could relate to the idea that playing ‘nice’ came from an undeveloped ability to handle difficult emotions. Reflecting on my life I could see how I missed teachers, parents, family, explaining that conflict or disagreement is sometimes necessary to create a healthy environment for yourself. Neither did I learn that it is part of life that we get rejected, criticized or maybe even abandoned anyway. At least once!
But most importantly, there isn’t something inherently wrong with you if you end up in a conflict or disagreement. Actually, conflict and disagreement might be a part of developing healthy equal relationships. Relationships that are nurturing to you as to the other person.
So where are you not voicing your opinion or needs in order to keep the peace, which is fake peace, only to avoid any negative consequences?
What do you have to learn in order to get comfortable expressing yourself wherever you are and with whoever you are?